National Survivors of Suicide Day

It's really hard to write or articulate any of this.

Today is the 11th annual National Survivors of Suicide Day.

Over 16 years ago, my cousin took his own life. It's something that still makes me very sad. I miss him a lot, even though I've lived more years with Christopher here than I actually knew him alive. He was in his early 20's, significantly older than my brother and I but we loved him so much. He was that cool cousin- who was old enough to drive and could babysit you, but still your cousin so you could get away with stuff. Much like I am to some of my young cousins today. What would they do if they lost me?
Probably grieve a long time and never full understand (just like I feel.)

I will tell you that's the worst way to lose someone. Losing someone to disease, accident or old age is easier. Not that any loss is easier- but losing someone who makes the decision to die hurts like nothing else.

I was 12 when I lost Chris, Jon was 9. We were so young, I understood exactly what happened, I imagine Jon did too. I remember that day so vividly, it feels like nothing can numb me to the memories even to this day. I remember answering the phone call when my aunt called. I was home sick that day- I had just had a bunch of pre-admiting bloodwork done for my uncomming eye surgery. It was after school hours though, because Jon was home. I remember trying to talk it up with my aunt, but she was blunt about me getting my Dad on the phone, so I did. I don't remember easedropping on the call or anything, but I remember my Mom and Dad getting my brother and I into the kitchen to tell us. When my Mom said "your cousin Chris is dead" I remeber colapsing onto the kitchen floor and crying. I remember asking "was it an accident?" Chris was always getting hurt at work. It was probably one of the hardest moments in parenting for my Mom and Dad to have to tell my brother and I that Chris killed himself.

Jon and I didn't attend the funeral. My parents decided to go through with my surgery, which happend to be the day of his service. Even in those early days, when everything is so fresh and difficult they knew they had to keep our lives going.

Chris had 2 babies when he died. They didn't even know their Dad. God, when I look at this kids now I just see him and he makes me sad that they never knew him. I look at his wife and admire her. She moved on and kept living. When I spent some time with her recently, she even mentioned Chris. That made me so happy. I think about my aunt and uncle, I think about how this loss feels to them

I think about the others I know who've lost like this. I think about my two friends who lost a brother a couple years ago. I think about what it felt like to hug them at the wake, and how my heart ached for them. I can't even fathom how hard it must be to lose a sibling to sucide, or a parent or a child.

Loss like this reminds you how precious life is. In this Thanksgiving sesason, it's important that we remember this.

Links:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_ID=FEE7D778-CF08-CB44-DA1285B6BBCF366E

CNN's coverage:
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/11/19/suicide.survivors.irpt/index.html

To Write Love On Her Arms:
http://www.twloha.com/